On August 21st, I decided I didn’t want to have it anymore. I was tired of feeling guilty, so I got myself fired on purpose in the worst way I could imagine so that I could convince myself that I would never be rehired again [sic: sounds stupid huh?].
I did not want to quit either or look for a similar job, I decided to just give it all up. I still am quite depressed knowing what I’ve helped create, even if my contributions are only a fraction of the whole. I have every reason to be suspicious, and I realized that I was doing more harm than good, particularly against myself as I would put in too many hours because I genuinely enjoyed what I was doing.
Meanwhile, my parents think I’m delusional and they think I’ve ditched a comfortable job. Then again, comfort itself is a delusion, since I was not content with life in general, and my life was unsustainable. Something had to give eventually and it happened to be my psyche.
Perhaps the engineers working on the first electric tabulating machines in the 1930s would have had enough foresight to quit what they were doing when they realized that their tools helped enable some of the largest mass murders in history. Unfortunately for them, they did not have the luxury of past history to understand the impact of what they were building, and how it could potentially be used for nefarious purposes. I guess these facts haunted them for the rest of their lives.
I had to go out in the way I did so that I may not be reconsidered, in the case that I change my mind later. This was the logic beind my actions, and it was done in a way that would result in my termination.
What I did made no sense to everyone I’ve talked to. But if I were to have quit, it would be very likely that I would in a years time, convince myself that I should go back to the same job. This way I’ve locked myself out. Hopefully this clears up some unknowns.
I also figured that the markets would tank Q1 2020 and I would probably have no job regardless of how poorly or how well I’ve performed, so in retrospect I’d probably get laid off anyway, all the while obediently working towards my own demise. Why should I suffer the same fate as those who suffered in 2000 and 2008? I might as well get laid off on my own terms. So I also would like to think that I timed the markets on this one, to focus on reallocating my existing investments during the calm before the storm as a matter of self-interest. So after I lost my job, I dumped my shares, reallocated my 401k to a 90/10 bond/stock split, and braced for the economic crisis of 2020+.
Unfortunately the only asset I wish I did not own is this Condo in Seattle. You can’t have everything in life work out the way you want.